Why Would I? Why Wouldn't I?

My friend and spiritual advisor helps me with heavy lifting. When perplexed, she suggests I ask myself: Why would I ___? And, why wouldn’t I ___?

There are two Anthropologie packages that have been collecting dust for several months in our apartment building’s mailroom. I first noticed them when I was rooting through all the boxes and packages for my own Anthropologie order. Mine came, and naturally, I ended up returning them to an actual store where I bought even more sale stuff. But those two neglected packages are still there, months later, taunting me. The name on the packages no longer matches the name on the corresponding mailbox. I’m pretty sure the person who ordered them moved and can’t be bothered to come back and get them.

Antthro .jpg

Why would I take someone else’s Anthro packages?

Because they are going to waste.

Because I’m curious.

Because I can always take them back to the store for the person who clearly doesn’t live here anymore.

Because they are treasure.

Why wouldn’t I take someone else’s Anthro packages?

Because that’s stealing and stealing is bad.

Because there is a closed-circuit camera on 24/7 in the mail room.

I know I am driving Brian batty reporting to him every evening about the packages. He tells me to just go buy something at Anthropologie (He sounds exasperated.) But I don’t need anything. And it’s not about buying something. What is it about I wonder?

In other news, I watched Queer Eye the other night and they used an Air Fryer to make crispy rice cakes that supported mounds of tuna poke. I told Brian about the air fryer and he went to Target and bought me one. Tonight, the golden voyage is with brussels sprouts.

Nice try distracting me, husband.

I guess I could email or text my spiritual advisor. Or maybe by telling on myself here in this silly blog post the obsession will be lifted. Asking myself why I would or wouldn’t steal has kept me out of trouble, so far, and probably much less perplexed in the long run. The next time you’re unburdened by decency, try it.

Have a lovely holiday weekend, y’all. It’s not Belabored Day, after all!