The days between Christmas Eve and New Years I get paid time off. I am so grateful for this break each year when it rolls around. I count and savor these days like a drunk regards her stocked shelves. But this holiday season I have been restless and rudderless. I kept a close watch on what I wasn’t doing with my time off and just a few days into the vacation, I knew I was wasting it.
I do like my husband a whole lot, and I do like my recovery work. Over the holiday there were some sweet times with friends. Being entertained holds great value for me so when I watched the entirety of the first season of Game of Thrones in a day, it didn’t weigh heavy on my soul. Oh, and I love to sleep! So sleeping on the new bed we gave ourselves for Christmas has been a great way to spend time. But something twern’t right with me. There was an emptiness at the edges that is normally crowded with music or words.
I felt guilty for not creating. And for the first time in a really long time, I did not have a muse. Being restless is part of my personality. Being lost is not.
Unconsciously I did what I usually do when I don’t like the way I feel - I tried to manage my malcontent self on my own. Not burden anyone (other than Brian because he swore an oath to be burdened) with my shenanigans. I tried to talk myself out of the wilderness by basically telling myself it isn’t alright to be in the wilderness. That I don’t have the right to feel useless and lonely and unformed.
And then I finally broke down and called a friend who knows me and my spiritual condition really well. She said some cool shit, like perhaps I could see this as an opening. I could be in a clearing. That I am not lost, just searching. That feeling lost and searching actually feel similar. I am on a path, I just don’t have the destination handy. That being curious about wandering could be interesting.
I feel so much better since this conversation! It is not wasted time to stand in a clearing.
So I say, farewell 2018! You have been complicated. It’s time to clear my head. Let it empty out. And be patient. I can learn to wait.
Maxayn says it so well in the song Tryin’ for Days:
We’ve been walkin’ through the mud
With the highway so near
When the resurrection comes
The road will be clear